Old school blog…

…from way back when. Actually 2005, but the date is very significant. This is the day after my very first date with my wife, Carrie. This is one of my old Myspace blogs.


Monday, May 30, 2005

Life as a Builder
Current mood: awake

Last night I was smacked in the face so hard that my head is still reeling. If I hadn’t had today off from work, I have no idea how on earth I would have made it through…

You know, you spend so many days and nights building those walls. You go out and find the best materials: You start out with digging the ditch around yourself, getting it just deep enough to pour that foundation full of regrets, full of those past hurts. Next you start on the very structure of the wall itself, using anger and frustration to fuel that drive to keep going, making those walls tall and strong, taller than anyone would be able to breach! You start to reinforce those walls with cold hard reasoning, the illusion that you alone can decide whether or not you are going to be hurt, that you and you alone can decide your fate and that you need no one else to help, to make you feel good about yourself. On top of everything that is there, you decide that the healthy thing to do is smear on a little weather-proofing, something to seal all of the minute cracks there may be in your incredible structure. You start smearing paranoia on there, all of those feelings and fears that come along and say, “Hey Alan, you need to stick with yourself, bud. You know you won’t hurt yourself, but can you say the same about anyone else? Huh? Can you?” So you coat that wall so thick and so well… Then it’s time for the finishes, whether you plaster the wall with social graces or sheetrock it with Hermitville, it all amounts to the same, because you find yourself no longer able to pump in fresh oxygen, you can’t breathe because you have built your walls too well; sometimes they cease to be walls at all.

Many times, we end up building our own prison. While we waste away in our prison, we give ourselves the option to say, “Hey, I’m just having fun being me.” Then there is the good ‘ole, “Yeah, I’m just out finding myself.” But we all know that deep down in there somewhere we are crying out to God in anguish, begging Him to help us break down these walls we have built around us, for Him to bring this prison down around our feet so that we can see the colors outside, so that we can get that breath of fresh air, so we can walk barefoot through the grass once more.

And you know, it’s funny how sometimes you don’t notice that He’s been in there with you the whole time, sometimes even guiding your hand while you have been building, teaching you small lessons along the way, trying to pass on the wisdom that lets you know when He is trying to show you something. Heck, sometimes he even sneaks someone else in there with you, keeps them just beyond sight until He decides that He thinks you are ready to tear down those walls for yourself, and lets you see that other person for the first time, that someone He’s smuggled in there to help you in the process of demolishing your prison.

Just when you least expect it, you’ll be hit with His love. Just when you are ready to face the fact that life holds one thing for you, He WILL surprise you. He’ll be the foundation you build on from then on out if you let Him. He’ll be the mortar that binds your new home together if you invite Him to, He’ll be the roof over your head to keep out the rain if you only ask. No matter how much you pray and how many times you give up, He always comes through with what you need, when you need it, and most times you will never see it coming.

Our God is a God of surprises and yes, I believe He has a wonderful sense of timing, as well and a great sense of humor. Praise be to Him just for those facts and all glory be to Him for the things he provides for us, including those trials and long periods of waiting.

I praise Him especially for those, because the rewards for vigilance are great indeed.